I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
