its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
