my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
