On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
