You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
