I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize