today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
