listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
please come you make the beer taste better
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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