Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
They have beer where we have blood.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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