I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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