I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I believe in your delicious
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
