I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
