ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize