Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
