Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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