his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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