I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
