3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
