just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize