you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
