dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
