Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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