My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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