I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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