no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize