I hate your face
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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