Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
