you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
