Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize