I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It was confusing and full of hummus
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
