ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
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