i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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