i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
