I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
