Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
