; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
