Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
