just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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