I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
