FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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