I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I will die if light touches me.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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