I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
