I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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