Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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