i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
