I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
