One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
