im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You don't make any sense
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