you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
