Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize