I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
How's work?
Spinning.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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