If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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