drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
