I think I am morally bankrupt
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
