I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
