i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Less talking, more tequila
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
