I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
