My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
