well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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