Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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