it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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