When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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