I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
