the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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