I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
