you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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