WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
