Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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