You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
high people should be assigned attendants
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
