I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
