we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
